My soon to be ex-husband was very nice and sweet while we dated. There were a few disagreements but nothing major that would show that he could be violent. He even said after the birth of our second child when I tried to tip-toe around the issue that “no I would never have married him if I knew that is how he was.” After we were married he became extremely abusive towards me and somehow doesn’t think that he was being abusive. He constantly talked town to me, telling me “you need to get a better job so we can afford more things” and I would apply for a job and he would say “why did you bother, you won’t get it anyway” and if I did get a call back for an interview he would say “why should you even go, you won’t get the job and if you do you won’t keep it.” Around six months after our wedding he was on his computer (desktop) and I was on mine (laptop). He had left a plate of HIS on a book case or something and told me “clean that up”. I said that I would in a minute, he proceeded to storm over to where I was on the couch, grab my laptop and slam it into the floor 10-15 times. He stormed out of the room and amazingly the computer was still on. So I went to turn it off when he re-entered the room and grabbed it and slammed it into the ground another 5-10 times at least. Needless to say the computer was done and over for. He tried to piece it back together because he felt bad but it did not respond to commands or anything. This was a $2,000.00 Dell Inspirion computer. The next thing that happened was that we had another disagreement and I got locked into a closet (I ran in and he put chair against door). Then I apparently embarrassed him when we were getting water for our salt water tank from the university of north Carolina Wilmington (we were living in north Carolina at the time) and after we got in the car and he started driving he choked me. He told me “don’t you ever do that every again.” Then he got mad another time on the way back from the water thingy and he shut the car door on me when I was getting out. I was pregnant at the time, we didn’t know it but I was about to leave after that occasion but of course he did the whole “I didn’t mean to hurt you and I won’t do it again thing”.
Then when we moved back to Florida shortly after that instance he got mad at the cat (he systematically got rid of everything I ever held close to me, my ferrets, two kittens & now the cat) because she was throwing up. She had a food allergy and we had just switched her food and it didn’t agree with her. He got ticked, he cornered her and what is a declared defenseless animal going to do? They are going to bite. So she bit him just a little (not bad at all) and he got even more ticked and threw her out of the house before I got home from work. I was 4 months pregnant at the time. Needless to say I was upset, I walked in the 90+ degree heat (which is dangerous for be pregnant or not) around the apartment complex searching for her. I couldn’t find her. I was crying and two things I never used to believe in were divorce and abortion. I was sitting outside crying and debating an abortion because it was WRONG to bring a child into a relationship like that. A few days later the apartment manager said he thought he had seen her by his door and asked if we had a cat. I said “no but my mom has one and hers was lost when she last came up here” so he drove us in the golf cart to his apartment and our cat was outside his door injured (b/c she has no claws and does not have survival instincts).
The next things that happened besides the constant belittling was after the birth of our daughter. Apparently I was changing her diaper wrong (even though I was the only one that changed diapers for the most part) and he smacked me on the side of my head. Obviously I cried, my daughter cried, it was not good. I had to once again tell my newborn “I’m so sorry I brought you into this, you don’t deserve this.” This happened at least 4-5 times over the next few months. Obviously not constant abuse but it didn’t need to happen. Then when my daughter was 4 months old he got ticked at me for some reason and kicked me out of bed. So I go to blow up the air mattress in the other room. I didn’t want to wake my daughter up and so rolled her bassinet into our room. I go to blow up the air mattress and he storms into our daughters room where I’m blowing up the mattress, utters some vulgarities and proceeds to kick me in the leg. He then decides that he’s going to take the day off of work and would-not let me attend to my daughter but would not let me leave. He then left with her in the afternoon and when I asked where he was going he said “you don’t need to know where I’m going” and left without even a diaper or a bottle in hand. I was freaking out and my parents said to call the cops and I said I would if he didn’t get back within a certain time. Right as I was about to call the cops he returned.
Then I became pregnant with my son (I didn’t want to be pregnant but apparently in his world if I got pregnant I wouldn’t leave). I’m a high risk pregnancy because of my medical problems so any of these could have caused the issues I had with my son. First during my first trimester I apparently ticked him off AGAIN. So he kicked me out of bed. I made a resolve that I was not going to sleep on the couch anymore because he was mad. He got mad for no reason so I was not going to sleep on the couch. I gave him a few hours alone in bed and then snuck in and laid down. He told me to get out of bed and I said, “no I’m not sleeping on the couch”. After a couple minutes of me not going out of the bed he proceeded to push me and eventually pushed me hard enough to make me land on the floor. Obviously I started crying and I actually started packing up and saying I was leaving. He said “this is no reason to leave, just shut up and lay down”. I was like “no, i’m not going to do this anymore, i’m packing up mine and our daughters stuff and leaving.” Needless to say, i was exhausted, it was 5 am and I was in no state to drive so I stayed with him.
We were having a disagreement a little later than that too and we went to my parents for Christmas. My dad had a father to dumb*ss talk and he thought he got through to him. My ex suggested that my daughter & I stay with my family, my family tried to get us back together so we returned to Jacksonville with him. He always whined and wanted to get into a house and so I did everything in my power to make sure we could get into one. I got one of those $200 credit limit credit cards to build my credit to get us over the brink. In march of 2010 we ran our credit report because we wanted to get a house. I insisted on the report because I didn’t want to waste the poor real estate agents time if we couldn’t buy a house. We had been working on my credit and because of my $200 credit limit credit card I had credit that would allow me to qualify for a house. Unfortunately I didn’t make enough $$$ so he would have to fix his credit to be able to qualify (2006 was a bad year for us and we both lost our jobs on the same day, so yeah bills got put off). He got ticked that I had a $200 credit limit credit card that of all things I had put Diapers and Wipes that we NEEDED for our daughter. So he tells me that I need to pack up my stuff and get out! So I am crying, 5 and a 1/2 months pregnant and carrying 80+ lb bags of things to my car at 3 AM. I sleep on the couch until he gets up and leaves for work, then I go to sleep in the room. I get up around 10 and start packing again. My parents are going back and forth with me and telling me to text him to tell him maybe he should stay with his friend chris since “he’s the ones that mad” and he has friends in town. So I do and he drives home from work, totally ticked off and proceeds to yell at me and grab me and tell me “you need to be gone by the time I get home or else”. My daughter’s crying, i’m trying to comfort her, he has absolutely no concern for her and he storms out. I call my parents back and they say call the cops, I say I don’t want to borrow trouble. When my mom finds out that he threatened me she tells her boss she has to leave work and drives a 4 and a half hour trip in 2 hours to get up to me. I try to stall but he eventually escorts my daughter & I out of the house to my car and tells us to leave. So I do and before I even get down the road he calls to ask where I’m at and says “well, why don’t you just come back, you don’t need to leave” and I told him that I would (because my mom was right around the corner)(if she hadn’t been coming I would never have gone back)(I kind of knew in the back of my head that he would do this if I left before he got out of work). I met my mom at McDonalds, we got dinner for my daughter and went back to the apartment.
He was on the phone with my dad when we got back and when my mom walked in he told my dad “dawn’s here” and my dad said “good luck”. My mom didn’t come to be mean or cause trouble. She wanted to mediate for us, so she told us both to make a list of grievances which we did. When he got back from work the next day we went over our grievances. Mine centered around 3 points, him neglecting our daughter, me having a free day and him berating me (i literally took care of my daughter and when he got home from work I went to work every day). Apparently everything was my fault, nothing was his fault and we only got through 3 grievances in 3 hours! So the next day he had his train club meeting and a dental appointment. He was ticked because his friend decided to go to his step-daughter’s last basketball game of the year and not go to the train club. He stormed out and was to return when his dental appointment was over (which apparently the dental office wasn’t open even though we had the appointment for months before) and my mom and I were talking and I said, “he’s not going to change is he” and she said “what do you think” and I said “no, he’s not going to change and nothings going to change”. So we repack stuff up (because my mom helped me unpack some stuff the night before) and had everything in the cars. She asked if I wanted to leave now or wait for my ex to get back. I said, “no I have to wait, he needs to say goodbye to his daughter”. So we wait, he gets back and appears shocked (he wasn’t but tried to pretend to be) and I said we were leaving and we left.
It’s been almost a year and a half and still going through the divorce. One day he’s kind of nice to me the other days all he does is belittle, berate me and harrases me (I’ve called the cops over him calling me 30 times in less than 15 minutes before when he was mad & I had stuff to do). He needs help, he needs to go through anger management, a child care course and a psychological assessment because he just changes on a flip of a dime.
Make your own opinion, I don’t want to say he’s a horrible person but he totally didn’t show his true colors until after we were married and I finally decided to end the verbal, physical, emotional and financial abuse and just leave after he kicked my 14 month old and me out of the house when I was 5 and a half months pregnant.