[TooRealForTinder]

NYC dating stays unserious: last week a date brought a live hamster named Mr. Beans and ordered milk “because it pairs with stress.” Drop your weird first date stories so I feel normal for five minutes.

25

[Pragmatic_Auntie]

I once met a man who arrived with a folder of Yelp printouts and a stopwatch because he “optimizes experiences.” I told him kindly that chemistry is not a sprint and suggested we just enjoy the dumplings. He relaxed, we laughed, and the folder stayed shut. Gentle note: curiosity beats metrics on day one.

10

[HopelessInHelsinki]

My date brought a laminated “communication contract” and asked me to sign before ordering. It had clauses about texting cadence and apology formats. She was kind, just… intense. We ended up negotiating whether memes count as “emotional bids.” Helsinki winters make people practical, but that was HR-on-a-plate. Adding to my weird first date experiences ledger.

12

[Raw_TruthRex]

girl brought a tarot deck and asked if my “tower was ready to fall.” i said sure, then her ex showed up because she “accidentally” double-booked. we did a group reading. i tipped the bartender for emotional hazard pay and bounced. moral: if the vibe screams content creator, you’re the content.

9

[TokyoNightOwl]

insomnia date: 2am ramen, guy live-blogged slurp counts like a scientist. wrote “noodles: mid, company: pending.” i left when he pulled out a spreadsheet for romance KPIs. online cute, IRL chaos. hamster girl >> spreadsheet boy, tbh.

24

[softspoken_shrink]

Therapist hat off, human hat on: I once got a full interrogation about my exes, then a surprise pop quiz on attachment theory she found on TikTok. People, please don’t test strangers. If you’re anxious, say you’re nervous. If you’re avoidant, say you like space. Weird first date experiences often start as unspoken needs.

24

[PixelTinderQueen5]

Designer here. Met at a pop-up gallery; he insisted we stand only on the “golden ratio” spots for “optimal chemistry photos.” He carried a ring light in his tote, asked me to hold a fake espresso for B-roll, then venmo-requested $3.50 for “prop beans.” Hard pass, but 10/10 lighting tbh.

26

2

[MezcalAndMuseums]

Took a gentle museum stroll with a man who loudly argued every placard was propaganda and tried to “red-pill” a Monet. He also “forgot” his wallet, but remembered to ask if I could drive him to an open mic after because “art respects art.” My child’s soccer practice was suddenly urgent.

13

[Raw_TruthRex]

She arrived with two dogs, a bird, and a suitcase. Said she was “between apartments” and could she stash the suitcase under the table. Waiter tripped over it twice, bird screamed “PAY RENT” at random intervals, and the bill somehow became my problem because I “looked landlord-coded.” I tipped heavy and changed neighborhoods.

18

[RedFlagSeeker]

Vegas report: dude showed up in a cape, said it was “his brand identity,” then tried to upsell me on joining his mastermind for “magnetic femininity.” I stayed for the free truffle fries and the astrology read he got hilariously wrong. Weird first date experiences are my cardio at this point.

17

[WarsawWanderer]

She kept answering FaceTimes from “clients” mid-sushi, then tried to recruit me into her “wellness downline” with a starter kit in her tote. When I declined, she told the server to separate checks because I “lacked abundance mindset.” I biked home, ate cereal, and thanked my chain lube for never trying to upsell me.

27

[TechnoVampire666]

she asked me to meet at a “sound bath.” cool. then she shushed me for breathing “off-tempo.” afterwards she pitched her breath-coaching package. berlin dating is 4am techno or chakras with upsells, no middle lane. hamster in tote is at least honest branding.

20

[BrokenAccent291]

Berlin, summer. We sat by the canal and he pitched a shared Notion workspace “to streamline flirtation.” Tabs for “kissing roadmap” and “conflict protocol.” I appreciate organization, but I am not a start-up. I told him my roadmap is ice cream, a walk, and see if we laugh the same.

23

[RedFlagSeeker]

Ten minutes in he asked my credit score. Twenty minutes in he asked my fertility window. Thirty minutes in he pitched a timeshare. I excused myself “to call my uterus” and never returned.

21

[YourDadIsSingle]

I thought we were meeting for coffee. She brought her kid, her cousin, and a list of furniture she needed moved. We rearranged an entire living room while she “took calls.” When I finally sat down, she asked if I could come back Saturday to build shelves. I like helping, but that was a Craigslist listing.

11

[TooRealForTinder]

lmao at “prop beans.” y’all making me feel seen. hamster girl if you lurking, respectfully, you were elite entertainment. to the cape guy crew, i’m begging: no costumes unless there’s a ticketed event. keep the chaos coming, i’m compiling a mixtape of weird first date experiences for science and also petty reasons.

20

[TooRealForTinder]

Y’all, I’m screaming at “toxic joystick masculinity.” I thought Mr. Beans was peak chaos but apparently the streets are wilder. Keep the trash tales coming; I’m printing a tiny zine called “First Dates That Needed HR.” Free copy to anyone who escaped a downline pitch or a Monet monologue.

22

[KeyboardWarrior666]

Worst one? She live-streamed the date “for accountability.” Chat voted on my appetizer. Someone with a frog avatar told me to fix my posture. I waved, finished my wings, and told the audience to hydrate. Never again.

10

[LisbonLitMajor]

He read me his screenplay at dinner. All of it. I asked questions, thinking we’d pivot, but no—he reached for act three between the mains and dessert. When the bill landed he said, “Artists don’t do math.” I did the math, paid mine, wished him luck at Sundance, and left before the post-credits scene.

26

[CapsLockCaution]

GOT STOOD UP AT A STEAKHOUSE THEN GOT A TEXT “SORRY, MERCURY IN RETROGRADE.” KID, MERCURY DIDN’T MAKE YOU RUDE. I FED THE WAITER, TIPPED HEAVY, AND WENT HOME. NEXT DATE, DAYLIGHT HOURS, PUBLIC PLACE, EXIT PLAN. FUNNY STORIES ARE CUTE UNTIL FOLKS FORGET BASIC MANNERS.

25

[WholesomeGamerBae]

We met at an arcade bar. She challenged me to Street Fighter, then rage-quit after losing and told the bartender I’d “created an unsafe competitive environment.” She posted a 14-slide story about “toxic joystick masculinity” while sitting across from me. I finished my soda, applauded the commitment to narrative, and retired from gamer dates forever.

19

[neoncatwalk11]

He brought Tupperware to pack leftovers “for my gains,” then asked if I could Venmo half because “the gym is expensive.” I said sure, paid, and he still took my fries for “macros.” On the walk home he pitched me his supplement code. Adding to my weird first date experiences hall with a protein shake crown.

27

[MidlifeENM]

Polyam guy here. First coffee in Kreuzberg, she unpacked a whiteboard and diagrammed “expected dopamine curve” for the next three months. I admired the clarity, but whiteboards belong at work. We salvaged the afternoon by people-watching and comparing book notes. Fit matters more than format; weird can be charming when consent and kindness stay center.

21

[Barcelona_Barista]

I baked brownies for a park date. He said he doesn’t eat sugar, cool, more for me. Then he asked if he could sell them at his pop-up “for exposure” and split profits 80/20 his way because he’d “handle marketing.” Sir, the only split here is me and this bench.

18

[DadBodIntellect]

My worst was gentle at first: farmer’s market stroll, fresh peaches, sun. Then he started “negging,” textbook pickup-artist nonsense from a blog last updated in 2011. I told him directly it’s disrespectful. He replied with a Google Doc titled “Attraction Scripts.” I thanked him for the literature and blocked. Weird first date experiences, meet remedial syllabus.

23

2

[AtlasLover]

Mine ended up at a petting zoo because the wine bar was closed and he panicked. I fed a goat in a silk dress, then we talked travel maps under fairy lights strung over hay. Accidentally magical, mildly itchy. Counting it among my weird first date experiences, but in the wholesome column.

17

[simbainlimbo97]

Mine brought her mother on the date. Not an exaggeration. Mum sat two tables away, occasionally coughing when I made a joke she didn’t like. I tried to reframe as an ethnographic study in attachment styles and failed. Paid the bill, waved to Mum, went home and journaled. Britain remains undefeated.

16

[Author]

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