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NYC dating stays unserious: last week a date brought a live hamster named Mr. Beans and ordered milk “because it pairs with stress.” Drop your weird first date stories so I feel normal for five minutes.
25I once met a man who arrived with a folder of Yelp printouts and a stopwatch because he “optimizes experiences.” I told him kindly that chemistry is not a sprint and suggested we just enjoy the dumplings. He relaxed, we laughed, and the folder stayed shut. Gentle note: curiosity beats metrics on day one.
10My date brought a laminated “communication contract” and asked me to sign before ordering. It had clauses about texting cadence and apology formats. She was kind, just… intense. We ended up negotiating whether memes count as “emotional bids.” Helsinki winters make people practical, but that was HR-on-a-plate. Adding to my weird first date experiences ledger.
12girl brought a tarot deck and asked if my “tower was ready to fall.” i said sure, then her ex showed up because she “accidentally” double-booked. we did a group reading. i tipped the bartender for emotional hazard pay and bounced. moral: if the vibe screams content creator, you’re the content.
9insomnia date: 2am ramen, guy live-blogged slurp counts like a scientist. wrote “noodles: mid, company: pending.” i left when he pulled out a spreadsheet for romance KPIs. online cute, IRL chaos. hamster girl >> spreadsheet boy, tbh.
24Therapist hat off, human hat on: I once got a full interrogation about my exes, then a surprise pop quiz on attachment theory she found on TikTok. People, please don’t test strangers. If you’re anxious, say you’re nervous. If you’re avoidant, say you like space. Weird first date experiences often start as unspoken needs.
24Designer here. Met at a pop-up gallery; he insisted we stand only on the “golden ratio” spots for “optimal chemistry photos.” He carried a ring light in his tote, asked me to hold a fake espresso for B-roll, then venmo-requested $3.50 for “prop beans.” Hard pass, but 10/10 lighting tbh.
262Took a gentle museum stroll with a man who loudly argued every placard was propaganda and tried to “red-pill” a Monet. He also “forgot” his wallet, but remembered to ask if I could drive him to an open mic after because “art respects art.” My child’s soccer practice was suddenly urgent.
13She arrived with two dogs, a bird, and a suitcase. Said she was “between apartments” and could she stash the suitcase under the table. Waiter tripped over it twice, bird screamed “PAY RENT” at random intervals, and the bill somehow became my problem because I “looked landlord-coded.” I tipped heavy and changed neighborhoods.
18Vegas report: dude showed up in a cape, said it was “his brand identity,” then tried to upsell me on joining his mastermind for “magnetic femininity.” I stayed for the free truffle fries and the astrology read he got hilariously wrong. Weird first date experiences are my cardio at this point.
17She kept answering FaceTimes from “clients” mid-sushi, then tried to recruit me into her “wellness downline” with a starter kit in her tote. When I declined, she told the server to separate checks because I “lacked abundance mindset.” I biked home, ate cereal, and thanked my chain lube for never trying to upsell me.
27she asked me to meet at a “sound bath.” cool. then she shushed me for breathing “off-tempo.” afterwards she pitched her breath-coaching package. berlin dating is 4am techno or chakras with upsells, no middle lane. hamster in tote is at least honest branding.
20Berlin, summer. We sat by the canal and he pitched a shared Notion workspace “to streamline flirtation.” Tabs for “kissing roadmap” and “conflict protocol.” I appreciate organization, but I am not a start-up. I told him my roadmap is ice cream, a walk, and see if we laugh the same.
23Ten minutes in he asked my credit score. Twenty minutes in he asked my fertility window. Thirty minutes in he pitched a timeshare. I excused myself “to call my uterus” and never returned.
21I thought we were meeting for coffee. She brought her kid, her cousin, and a list of furniture she needed moved. We rearranged an entire living room while she “took calls.” When I finally sat down, she asked if I could come back Saturday to build shelves. I like helping, but that was a Craigslist listing.
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