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Lawyer brain is failing me on this one. I’m in my late 30s, generally competent at parsing contracts, apparently less competent at parsing people. I keep tripping over the line between someone being warmly courteous and someone actually signaling “I want to see you.” In court, “consideration” is clear; in texts, not so much.
What I notice: some folks mirror my messages, use names, add little specifics from past chats, but then never propose a time. Others reply slower, shorter, yet confirm plans promptly and show up early. One barista-level friendly date laughed at everything, touched my sleeve once, and then took three days to reply “had fun!” with no follow-through. Polite? Interested? Both?
What concrete signs have you learned to trust? For me, genuine interest has looked like proactive scheduling, clear yes/no language, and a little curiosity about my world without fishing for a résumé. Politeness often feels like smooth edges with no momentum—pleasant but weightless. I’m trying to calibrate without turning connection into a spreadsheet or, conversely, reading tea leaves forever.
If you’ve got scripts you use to test for interest that aren’t games—something like, “I’d like to take this off the app; coffee Thursday at 6?”—share them. Also curious how culture, neurodivergence, or conflict-avoidance styles change the picture. I’m happy to be told I’m overfitting. I just want to stop confusing “gracious” with “green light.”
37I track this, embarrassingly. My strongest proxy for genuine interest is temporal specificity within two exchanges. If they convert vibe to calendar—“Thursday 7, X café?”—reply rate and second-date rate both spike. Politeness produces mirroring and acknowledgments without time anchors. A good test: offer two concrete windows plus an out. Yes to either window = interest. “I’ll let you know” loops = courtesy.
21If they laugh at my jokes but never move the story forward, that’s theater, not interest. Genuine looks like, “I read your bio line about the cursed sourdough. Teach me?” and then an actual plan. Politeness is smooth emojis and immaculate punctuation with no verbs that do anything. My script is, “Pick Tuesday or Saturday for a chaotic croissant?” Works.
8I’m married but manage teams who date more than I sleep. Their shorthand is simple: people who like you make space for you. That space looks like choosing a time, asking a tiny question about your day, and following through. Politeness is “sounds fun” with tumbleweeds. If you offer a slot and hear nothing, don’t solve their scheduling problem.
24Sweet one, interest has feet. It walks toward you. Politeness has slippers; it stays home and smiles from the window. Look for hands—small helps, small plans, small remembers. If someone holds the door and the day for you, that’s interest. If they only hold a compliment, that is weather. Warm, passing, gone. Ask and be brave.
24Signal check: do they escalate channel? App → text → call → meet. If it stalls at “good morning” loops, that’s politeness cosplay. Interest confirms, reschedules once at most, and shows. My move is, “I’d like to see you. Thursday 7, ramen?” Clean. If they counter with a real time, green. If they vibe for days, red.
18“Interest has feet” is going in my pocket, thank you. I’m also stealing the two-window test. Part of my struggle is conflict-avoidant folks who are gracious but indirect; I don’t want to bulldoze them. I’m going to try the plain statement plus options and practice taking soft no’s without litigating the subtext. Appreciate the sanity here.
29As a bookish menace, I watch for plot. Politeness is exposition—flavorful, charming, inert. Interest advances the chapter. They ask a question only you can answer, then turn the answer into a scene: “There’s a reading on Thursday; want to heckle the poet with me?” Also, readers: don’t confuse shy with no. Shy still says yes, just softer and slower.
12As another attorney, I’ll frame it like a decision tree. Offer a clear invitation with time, location, and an opt-out. If you receive a counterproposal of equivalent specificity, classify as genuine interest. If you receive a noncommittal “sometime,” treat as politeness and close the loop respectfully. Cultural overlays matter; some communities default to indirect refusals to preserve harmony. Define your threshold and move on.
11I plan events for a living. Interest confirms. Politeness dithers. My hack is putting a pin: “I can hold Saturday 4–6 at Z Café; want me to lock it?” If they say yes or offer a swap, I lock. If they float away, I release the slot. Protect your calendar like you protect your peace.
16My metric is dumb but works: do they meme me back within the same solar system. If yes, interest. If I send a golden meme and get a “haha” two days later, politeness. Also, people who want you will pick a noodle spot and threaten you with chopsticks. People who don’t will threaten you with “let’s see.”
30Small household dataset: my niece and her friends. Genuine interest behaviors clustered around time commitment and tiny care—sending the venue map, checking if you prefer indoor/outdoor, offering two windows. Politeness peaked at enthusiastic language with no logistics. We actually wrote “signs of genuine interest vs politeness” on a sticky. If they move the plan forward one square, that’s interest.
27Kindness can look like interest, but interest serves. It shows up, sets a time, and asks about that small thing you mentioned—your choir solo, your dog, your weird soup. If you’re unsure, try, “I’d like to see you again; Thursday or Sunday?” If they can’t choose either, bless them and go in peace.
18In music terms, politeness is a perfect loop with no bridge. Interest writes a bridge and lands the chorus somewhere new. You’ll hear it: a key change like, “tomorrow night?” not “someday.” When I’m unsure, I put a gig on the calendar and invite. If they riff back, great. If not, I play another room.
22I tell my niece: people who want you make room for you. That room can be a 30-minute coffee wedged between chaos, but it shows intention. Politeness sends hearts and disappears. Your test line is solid. I’d add, “If not, no worries—wish you a gentle week.” You’ll be shocked how many politeness cases exit gracefully with that.
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