It’s been six months since Alex and I broke up. I didn’t feel compelled to write anything about him at the time. Mostly because I just wanted to move on from the toxic relationship. Another part of me honestly believed that after I broke up with him, he would see the error in his ways and decide to make a change for the better. He hasn’t.
So why now post this now? Two months after we broke up, he started dating another woman. I have no reason to believe they knew each other while we dated. We happened to have a mutual friend. When my friend discovered the connection, she wanted to warn her about him and everything he had done to me. I told her not to and that I didn’t want to be involved. She decided to warn her anyway. The warning fell on deaf ears, which isn’t that surprising. Why would she listen to something his ex-girlfriend said about him?
Two months later, she discovered he had been cheating on her. She had been paranoid about him texting another woman he claimed to be a friend he reconnected with. When he went out of town, she felt suspicious and did some social media digging. She came to find out he was on a vacation with this woman.
Hearing about what she went through left my physically shaking. I couldn’t believe he had done this to another woman. I also felt guilty that I could have and should have tried to warn her.
I should have ended things a year prior. Right after we moved in together, he went out, got drunk, came home and fell asleep. I was awoken to his phone receiving a lot of loud texts messages. At this time, I knew the password to his phone, which he had given me, but I never had reason to check it. My intention was to turn the sound off, but when I saw texts from an unknown number, I opened his phone. I see text messages to a woman saying “My phone is about to die and I’m out. Meet me in the park and come suck my dick babe.” And later, “I have to go back to my gfs do you want me to secretly and quickly come and fuck you?” I woke him up screaming. He proceeded to try to get the phone from me and when I wouldn’t give it to him he got physical, wrestling me and chasing me to the bathroom. I finally handed it over, but had already texted myself the screenshots. I went to a friend’s house and spent the night. He proceeded to text and call me all day crying. He said they were messages from a girl named Beth who he was acquainted with through his childhood friend. He said she was “fat and ugly” and he was not interested in sleeping with her.
Finding those texts and having him get physical with me was such a traumatizing event that to this day, I get a physical reaction reading them. I can’t explain why I didn’t breakup with him right then. Maybe it’s because prior to that incident our relationship was great. I guess I didn’t want to be someone who couldn’t forgive someone for making a mistake (something I have struggled with my entire life). He swore he would change and would do better. I thought it was something we could work through. But from that day forward things got so much worse.
There were many occasions where I would see him texting someone in front of me and when he say I noticed would delete entire text conversations. This happened often when he was drunk. He had a lot of women from back home or college he would keep in touch with. He always said it was platonic but I had a gut feeling it wasn’t true. One time he went to LA and I have a suspicious he cheated on me. I could have sworn I saw a text from him to a female friend saying “I’ll come pick my stuff up tomorrow” but he said he did not see her when he was in LA. He deleted the text conversation so quickly, that I couldn’t confirm that’s what it said.
On the night I broke up with him, he came home at 3AM drunk. Coming home early in the morning after staying out drinking all night was a regular occurrence. I would often wake up in a panic at 1AM…2AM…3AM to find him not in bed next to me. I would text him and his friends to try to find him and have him come home. On this night, when he finally came home, I asked him to come to bed. He often stayed up late on his computer which I hated. When he didn’t come to bed an hour later, I went into the living room to discover him texting. He immediately slammed down his phone when he saw me. I asked him to show me his phone. When he handed it to me, he accidentally unlocked it with his finger. On the screen I see texts between him and a woman named Hillery Walsh. She is talking about her “magical pussy” and asking why his girlfriend didn’t satisfy him. When he realized what I saw he proceeded to attempt to physically overtake me and wrestle the phone out of my hand. He tried to wrestle me to the ground, but I wouldn’t let go. He then proceeded to push me into the TV stand. I managed to get away because I shoved him to the ground and slap him in the face. I packed a bag and left the apartment and never saw him again.
In a conversation he and I had the next day he claimed Hillery was a “fat woman in her 40s” and he was not interested in her (an excuse he had used before). He claimed he was trying to arrange a wine tasting trip for his birthday and she worked at a winery in Napa. He said that she randomly started texting him sexual things. I highly doubt this is true.
Here are the parts that I have never told anyone and are the hardest for me to admit.
Alex has a terrible temper and a short fuse. When we first started dating he told me he had anxiety induced OCD. I never judged him for it, but when he decided to stop taking his medication, that’s when his anger became out of control. He would often get so mad and yell at me so much that I was actually afraid of him. Alex is a gun owner. He owns a handgun and a rifle. I often thought of bringing the guns to the police department because I was so scared of what he might do with them when he got mad at me. To this day, I still have nightmares that he might come and shoot me.
He also has said some extremely racist things in front of me, including impersonating my Chinese friend by saying “ching chang chong” and drunkenly yelled “Muhammad! Muhammad!” to a woman wearing a hijab. While we got into horrible arguments over these incidents, it wasn’t enough for me to leave him.
These are the pieces I struggle with the most. I don’t understand why I put up with it at all. It makes me so ashamed, because it’s goes against everything I believe in. It’s made me question my fortitude. I could have stood up for what is right and I failed. I hope to be able to find peace with this someday…
I am afraid to post this, but I sincerely believe I need to warn other woman to stay away from him. He is a liar, a manipulator, and is potential a threat to your physical safety. If I can prevent even one woman from dating him because of this, it will have been worth it.